I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
