the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
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I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
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Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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