My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
