I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
