i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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