after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Randomize
