So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
