I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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