Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
