So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
