you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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