I just threw up on my dentist
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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