im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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