Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
