I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
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