I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
farters have to be the big spoon...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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