my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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