You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
