I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
