I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
