I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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