$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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