I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
