I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
