hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
