i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
its liver damage thursday
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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