so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
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