i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
