I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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