If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Randomize
