Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
