peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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