well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
