Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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