pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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