bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Randomize
