a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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