everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
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