my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
