I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
