I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Randomize
