i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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