At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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