i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
