he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I use my feet as sexual weapons
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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