You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
