All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
