I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
