I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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