I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
