Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
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