she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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