dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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