I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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