YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
