my phone needs a breathalizer
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
