apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
My day in three words: secret purse cake
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
